mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
