If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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