I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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