Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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