Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think my fart just growled at me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
