you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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