I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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