Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
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