I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
