Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
