so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
