I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sorry about my life...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
