He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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