Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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