how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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