tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
