wat bout pragnant strippers??
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
