I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
