Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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