I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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