I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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