Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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