White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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