i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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