I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
