I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
