I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
