I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
