Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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