there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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