It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
