call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
