remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
