Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
