if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
