after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
