My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
