Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
