I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He felt like a one man threesome
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Randomize
