To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You pole danced in your parka.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
