bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
