im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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