He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
