Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
