i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
