2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
