And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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