Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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