last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
