hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
