I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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