I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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