Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
