The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize