Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
