what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
