From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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