The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
