I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
