I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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