margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
