Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize