I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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