my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
