I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
