I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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