My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize