I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize