I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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