On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize