I faked an abortion last night.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
